Abuse…No One Asks For It

Abuse…No asks for it so why is it that when someone who is abused or raped asks for help and support there is not enough out there?  I have been reading about cases that have been happening or have happened in the past and it utterly shocks me that there is not enough funding for support for these victims.  Most times, the judicial system takes so long to hear a case and when they do, after the guilty verdict, this fair judicial system just shrugs them off and pleads them down to a lesser or no real sentence at all.  They feel that community service and a minimal fine is punishment enough for someone who has taken away the innocence of another human being.  I feel as though people just don’t take this seriously and that disgusts me.

As a survivor of sexual assault and rape, I know what it’s like to feel so alone.  Sometimes you’re just too scared to say it out loud “I’ve been raped”.  Other times you feel guilty, thinking “It’s my fault” and all you want to do is run away and hide.  You think that’s the answer, just don’t talk about it and it’ll go away.  Sometimes the pressure is too much and people take their own life because they can’t deal with the lack of support they get.  Let me be the first to tell you that this problem, this issue, this ignorance doesn’t go away.  As much as you wish it would, you realize that it changes who you are.

I used to be very scared to talk about the abuse that happened to me but after talking with the many people who support me and even some of the people who don’t, I realized that in order for me to heal and get on with my life, forgive myself and be happy, I have to deal with the whole issue of “I didn’t ask for it…it’s not my fault”. 

Sometimes it’s just easier to blame yourself but it really doesn’t do anyone any justice.  I used to think that no one believed me…no one wanted to hear about it…no one cared.  Yes, that may be the case with some people I talk to but the more educated the public is about this issue the greater the chances we have of stopping it from happening and the people who need help and support can get that help and feel the support.  I always thought that I was tearing my family apart when I disclosed about the abuse I went through and the fact that it was my brother in law who abused me, but now I realize that I have a right to feel safe in any situation.  No matter who the abuser is or where it happens I have every right to stand up and say that it’s not right…it should never happen!!!  Yes, my family thinks differently of me, but I’ve been lucky in the past and even now to have a great support system of friends and extended family.  I’ve gone through counselling and group therapy I’ve gone to retreats and have been keeping a journal for many years.  Now I want to be able to help others realize that whatever it is that happened to you…”ITS NOT YOUR FAULT! YOU DIDN’T ASK FOR IT!!!”

I volunteer on a crisis line for people who need to talk to someone while waiting for counselling but the sad part about this is not the fact that people call and use this great service, I wish more people would so they didn’t feel so alone.  It’s the fact that there is not enough funding for these people to get counselling when they need it.  There is a waiting list of a minimum of 6 months before a victim can get in to speak with someone and get the help that they need. 

On Friday May 4/2012, there is a campaign to wear purple for that day to show the many women, men and children that No One Asks for Abuse to Happen to Them.  Please help me in this campaign and wear purple to show your support and let everyone know why you are wearing purple.  It’s important to know that everyone has someone out there that supports them.  Maybe one day there will be enough funding to help these victims know that the support is out there and that they are safe.

Trust

Trust…it’s a very difficult concept when you’ve been hurt by someone.  I never thought I would be able to trust another person ever again, but, it was easy to trust certain people because I knew that they would never hurt me or make me feel inferior.  None the less, it’s taken me a long time to trust those people but now I realize that by trusting myself first, I am able to trust others too.

I’ve always had a great sense of gut instinct but so many times I’ve just let that instinct, that feeling in the pit of my stomach just go.  I never spoke to anyone about it, never told anyone how I felt.  Today, as I was reading I came across this line.  It goes like this…”By trusting at least one human being to hear you through your pain…to hear you speak the unthinkable, by sharing, you will gain the freedom to say how life is and how  you would like it to be for you.”   I never realized how true this statement was until I took inventory of the things I’ve said to the people that I trust the most.  You see…I’ve always been a very quiet person.  I was always the one that wanted to blend in with the wall and hope that no one saw me or wanted to speak to me.  I never thought that I was worth the time or the effort to get to know.  A lot has changed for me over the years and I started by telling people the truth about what happened to me as a child.  Yes a lot of people turned against me,  and yes some people ignored what I had to say, they called me a liar, but there have been some people who really listened to me, to my story, to my truth.  I’ve never had the intention to hurt other people but I don’t have to stand by and let these people make me out to be the victim in any situation.  I used to think that I wasn’t important enough for people to pay attention to me or for me to ask for help but now I realize it’s because I didn’t trust myself enough to know that there really are people out there that care and that those people can benefit from what I have to say and my experiences.

The most important thing I’ve gained in my life is my power to be myself, speak my truth and trust myself but I’ve also gained a lot of friends that have helped me up when I thought I lost the battle. I know how difficult it is to trust what you feel , especially when people are telling you that what you feel is wrong but I want everyone to know that what you feel is who you are and who you are is important to this world.  My hope is that you can learn to trust your instinct and that everyone can find that one person that you can trust with your feelings, your heart, your words, your truth, your story of who you are.    Eleanor Roosevelt once said “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission” so don’t’ give anyone that permission.  Trust and honour yourself no matter how difficult and know that there is at least one person out there who will always listen to you and trust.

Live well…Laugh often…Love much!!!

What If?

What if you slept?

And what if in your sleep you dreamed?

And what if in your dream you went to heaven,

And there you plucked a strange and beautiful flower?

And what if when you awoke you had the flower in your hand?

S. T. Coleridge

Six years ago, I attended a Take The Step Intensive Women’s Retreat in Aurora, Ontario, and this poem was our welcome message. I never fully understood it until now.

For the past year, I have been avoiding myself, trying to be someone I’m not, trying to make my family, my friends, my co-workers, my employers, everyone else in my life happy.  I forgot how to make myself happy; you know…how to take care of myself before taking care of others. It’s been such a long time since I took care of myself that I’ve actually forgotten what makes me happy, which activities I enjoy, what it’s like to laugh and smile and actually mean it.  I’ve forgotten that spark that puts a fire in my soul and makes me want to live.  I forgot what the flower from the poem looked like, smelled like, felt like for me.  I’ve been avoiding listening to my heart and sometimes, all it takes is a good heart to heart talk with old friends to help you realize that you’ve been sleeping and it’s time to wake up!

After talking with my friends and finding my binder from the retreat, I read the welcome message again and I realized that the strange and beautiful flower that I picked in heaven is myself…not just the material me, but the whole me.  It’s my hopes, my dreams, my goals, my beliefs, my loves, my passions, my thoughts, my experiences…ME!  If I don’t take care of it, nurture it, then that flower is going to die and never fully be aware of the beauty that it possesses.

I’ve been struggling a lot with what to do with my life, how to take care of this flower, but  for some reason it just got clear one day. I started taking better care of myself and not thinking about others first.  I nurtured my flower and I’ll be honest…it feels good.  I realized what I want for myself and that I can’t keep letting other people stop my flower from growing. I started thinking about what to plant next in my garden, you know, what goals I want to see grow, what other flowers I want to pick in the future, so I decided to plant a flower for health, a flower for education and a tree for friends and fun. I’m truly looking forward to watching these flowers and my tree grow and continuing to landscape my garden and help others with their landscaping as well.

So tell me, what types of flowers will grow in your garden?  What do you want to do in the future, near or far?  What flowers do you want to pick?

We Make Plans and God Laughs

Last night while watching an episode of Private Practice, one of the characters said “We make plans and God laughs.” My immediate thought was “Ha…isn’ that true.”

I used to think that by this age, I would have everything all figured out, you know…all my ducks in a row, ready to take on my life, whatever may come my way. I guess God had a different plan for me though.

They say, and I still haven’t figured out who they are, but they say that our lives are planned for us, even before we are born.  Each person born has a purpose on this earth, their legacy to pass on to others born. I’ve often wondered what my purpose is, or even the purpose of the events that have  happened to me in my lifetime. I know that with everything that has happened, there is always a lesson for me to learn, but sometimes I wonder…how many lessons can one person possibly learn?

That’s when it dawned on me. Until I have learned the lesson that I’m supposed to learn, obstacles will continue to be put infront of me. It’s all part of God’s plan for me. I can’t mess with that plan, I have no idea what is in store for me, but it took me a long time to figure out that where I am is where I’m supposed to be.  I will always continue to try to improve my situation, but isn’t that all part of the lesson, all part of the plan?

Life isn’t meant to be easy, it’s meant to be lived with obstacles, lessons and plans that are meant to be uncovered.  You’ll know when you’re on the right track to your plan…you’ll have that gut feeling…you’ll just be in the right place at the right time and when it happens you’ll have the courage to be who you are.

I know that I am where I’m supposed to be and I’m learning what I have to learn to be the person that I want to be, that I’m meant to be.  I still haven’t quite figured  it all out, but when the time is right I’ll know.

No More Excuses

I used to think that I was a very well put together young woman, you know…the one that people would believe to be the strong person but deep down inside, am I really all that strong?  I used to keep everything bottled up inside of me so that no one could see my hurt or feel my pain or really get to know the real person that I am.  People could only get to know the person that I wanted them to get to know, not the real me but the façade.

Recently,  it dawned on me that in order for people to get to know me, whether they are family, friends, strangers, they all need to see the real me…my anger, my pain, my happiness, my sadness ,my vulnerability.  They need to know what makes me who I am.  This is something I have struggled with for years…letting people in, and I still struggle with it.  It wasn’t that long ago that I realized, lately I have been pushing people away and for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why.  I sat here today and wondered, “What makes me push the people that care about me so far away?”  I realized that it’s my insecurities, my fears, my sense of self that has been driving the people I love the most out of my life.

Lately, I have been struggling with the person that I am.  I’ve been afraid to show my true self to so many people.  I’ve been struggling with my personal life, my weight, my job, my family, my friends.  I had no idea how to talk to anyone about my problems.  For such a long time I denied that I even had a problem.  I pretended that life was just fine.  Why was I lying to myself and to my friends?  I mean, don’t I deserve the truth even if it is coming from me…don’t my friends deserve the truth; after all, they have been there for me through a lot of ups and downs.

New Year’s Eve really put a lot of things into perspective for me.  I went to a great party with many of my friends and loved ones but for some reason I wasn’t comfortable.  It had nothing to do with the people around me, it was all about me.  I felt like I didn’t belong there anymore or didn’t belong with my group of friends. It feels like they have outgrown me and now just put up with me.  Maybe that’s not the truth but maybe it is.  I took a long look at the people that were with me and a very long look at myself and I realized that it’s time for me to take control of what I want and go out and do it.  If I’m not happy with my current situation then I need to assess it and see where I can make changes.  NO MORE EXCUSES!!! 

For years, I lived with the excuse that I am damaged goods because I was abused.  I lived with the excuse that no one will ever find me attractive or love me because I am overweight.  I lived with the excuse that no one will ever listen to me because I am the youngest and my opinions don’t count.  I finally see that these are excuses and it’s time to rid my life of excuses and start living my life. 

They say statistically that one out of five girls are abused in this world and I of all people know how difficult it is to be that one girl, but I want to believe that I am strong enough to overcome the power that my abuser…my brother in law had over me.  I choose my life and what I do with it, who I have in my life and where I go in life.  I hold the power to ME not anyone else.  It’s time to use my own power and put my life back together and realize the ME that I know I can be.

No More Excuses

I used to think that I was a very well put together young woman, you know…the one that people would believe to be the strong person but deep down inside, am I really all that strong?  I used to keep everything bottled up inside of me so that no one could see my hurt or feel my pain or really get to know the real person that I am.  People could only get to know the person that I wanted them to get to know, not the real me but the façade.

Recently,  it dawned on me that in order for people to get to know me, whether they are family, friends, strangers, they all need to see the real me…my anger, my pain, my happiness, my sadness ,my vulnerability.  They need to know what makes me who I am.  This is something I have struggled with for years…letting people in, and I still struggle with it.  It wasn’t that long ago that I realized, lately I have been pushing people away and for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why.  I sat here today and wondered, “What makes me push the people that care about me so far away?”  I realized that it’s my insecurities, my fears, my sense of self that has been driving the people I love the most out of my life.

Lately, I have been struggling with the person that I am.  I’ve been afraid to show my true self to so many people.  I’ve been struggling with my personal life, my weight, my job, my family, my friends.  I had no idea how to talk to anyone about my problems.  For such a long time I denied that I even had a problem.  I pretended that life was just fine.  Why was I lying to myself and to my friends?  I mean, don’t I deserve the truth even if it is coming from me…don’t my friends deserve the truth; after all, they have been there for me through a lot of ups and downs.

New Year’s Eve really put a lot of things into perspective for me.  I went to a great party with many of my friends and loved ones but for some reason I wasn’t comfortable.  It had nothing to do with the people around me, it was all about me.  I felt like I didn’t belong there anymore or didn’t belong with my group of friends. It feels like they have outgrown me and now just put up with me.  Maybe that’s not the truth but maybe it is.  I took a long look at the people that were with me and a very long look at myself and I realized that it’s time for time to take control of what I want and go out and do it.  If I’m not happy with my current situation then I need to assess it and see where I can make changes.  NO MORE EXCUSES!!! 

For years, I lived with the excuse that I am damaged goods because I was abused.  I lived with the excuse that no one will ever find me attractive or love me because I am overweight.  I lived with the excuse that no one will ever listen to me because I am the youngest and my opinions don’t count.  I finally see that these are excuses and it’s time to rid my life of excuses and start living my life. 

They say statistically that one out of five girls are abused in this world and I of all people know how difficult it is to be that one girl, but I want to believe that I am strong enough to overcome the power that my abuser…my brother in law had over me.  I choose my life and what I do with it, who I have in my life and where I go in life.  I hold the power to ME not anyone else.  It’s time to use my own power and put my life back together and realize the ME that I know I can be.

A Bit More of My Story

It’s dawned on me that not many people know my whole story…the real story of what happened to me and why I am who I am.  Yes…everyone now knows that I was sexually assaulted and raped by my brother in law, but there is so much more to it.

So many people wonder where or when it would happen.  Well, many times it occurred in my own home when everyone was home.  They would be outside in the field or garage or even downstairs in the basement.  They would ask me to go do something and he would follow after a little bit and say “Oh I’ll check on Lisa.”  Sometimes I wonder if they knew what was happening and my parents and family would just ignore it.  Sometimes I think that was one of my biggest fears. 

After the rape and the assaults would occur, my brother in law would get smart about his threats.  He would say to me that no one would ever believe me.  He would say “you just misunderstand my gestures of affection” or “if you say anything to anyone…you’ll be the one who is sorry.”   He would always make me out to be the bad person, make me feel like I was stupid or I was asking for it or maybe I was just misunderstanding.  I knew in my heart I wasn’t, but I always second guessed myself.  I was scared. 

The horror of being raped is an awful feeling…I can’t even describe what I felt every time he would rape me or fondle me or make me fondle him or perform things on him.  I was a kid; I shouldn’t have had to go through any of that. I shouldn’t have known what sex was, not at that young of an age.  The sad part is that I did know, he made sure of that…but the worst part of everything is that my family didn’t support me.  Now, I’m not saying they didn’t believe me, I know they did because after a few months he came to my house and admitted to my parents and my sister that what I said was all true, but that didn’t change anything.  The fact of the matter remains that even when he admitted it, my family still wanted to keep it all a big secret…they didn’t support me.  In my eyes, they made a decision to support him and my sister and their kids.  I was just a kid too and I was the one that was made to feel like what happened was entirely my fault.  He ruined my childhood and I didn’t have a right to fight back.  Charges were pressed and yes we did go to court but his lawyer made a deal.  My brother in law would plead guilty if my parents and I would sign a paper saying he didn’t have to serve any time.  Imagine…he wouldn’t have to pay for his crime.  He could take a child’s happiness and just get away with it.   My parents, wanting to keep everything under the rug signed the letter and made me sign it to, but I had a great crown attorney and a great judge.  The judge refused to let him off…he wasn’t going to send a message saying you can get away with raping a child and taking their innocence…the judge wanted him to pay but couldn’t give him the sentence he deserved.  He was given a sentence of  seven days in jail and a fine of $2000…I guess that’s the cost of taking a childhood away from an innocent child. 

It took me many years to understand why my parents did what they did.  I will never say I fully understand but I know that they did what they thought was better.  They didn’t want me to have to testify in front of strangers and expose my life to them, but what they didn’t realize is that it was wrong to keep it all a secret.  Letting people believe that someone so evil is innocent, thinking that he would get the help he needs so that he wouldn’t do that to anyone else, that will just come back to haunt you one day. 

Sometimes we feel like if we hide what’s happening, then it can’t hurt us or anyone else, but the fact of the matter is…it hurts us even more.  I’ve kept quiet for so many years, even after going through court and fighting and counseling.  I wanted to keep the peace in my family I didn’t want to lose any of the relationships I had with my family, even after all they did to me or should I say didn’t do for me.  What I realize now is that I lost them a long time ago.  I don’t blame them for how they acted but I don’t support them in any way either.  I know what its like to hit rock bottom…I did when my family turned their backs on me…they may have supported me financially but that’s not what I needed…I needed their emotional support, I needed to know they would be there for me no matter what happened and they couldn’t do that.  I don’t forgive them, but I am learning to let go of all that negativity and allowing positive relationships to enter my life.

I don’t want to hide anymore.  I want people to know that I went through all of this and I’m still standing.  I’m stronger than I thought I could ever be.  I didn’t think I would see my 16^th birthday yet here I am turning 35 in a few months and hoping that my words will one day help others out there find their courage and let them know they are not alone.